1. Appearance is the celebration of what is unique about you.
2. Taking the time to care for yourself boosts your self-confidence.
3. Appearance is complex.  It does not follow a simplistic set of rules and universal conventions.
4. Look to intelligent, individual and confident role models and celebrate their appearance.
5. Don’t allow the media bombardment of unattainable, perfect appearance ideals to damage your confidence as these ideals are not REAL.
6. True appearance radiates who you truly are and includes all your imperfections.
7. Feeling attractive is more important than looking attractive.
8. You can enhance your image through hair styles, clothes, etc. without being superficial.
9. Neither neglecting your appearance nor obsessing about it are healthy.
10. You can be attractive regardless of your age or weight.

You are you.  You are attractive when you feel attractive.  You feel attractive when you love yourself for who you are.  Try playing this game.  Take a day and pretend you are beautiful/handsome.  Really get into the feeling.  Now watch how others respond to you.  If you really play the game, you will receive compliments and attention based on the attractive mindset you have adopted.  It’s that simple.  Attractiveness, bottom line, is in your mind!

1. Admit you have a bad habit.  If you don’t acknowledge you have a habit that is negatively effecting your life, you’re in denial.  Break out of denial to break that habit.  Genuine commitment to stop requires personal honesty.
2. Set a deadline.  Work out D-day…your deadline date to start on a new behavior.  Be sure you are ready.  Starting prematurely can doom your efforts.  So take your time to get physically and psychologically prepared.  You may even want to work with a therapist, coach or trusted friend to see if there are any obstacles to success you are overlooking.
3. See it coming.  Recognize habit-prone situations and understand what triggers them.  Make a list so you can anticipate and prepare for them. Have a game plan for what you will do when one of these situations arises.  Rehearse the game plan in your head so you are ready.
4. In with the new.  Adopt helpful new habits.  A habit is nothing more than a learned behavior.  All you are doing is replacing one behavior with another.  It will take time to extinguish the old behavior and for the new behavior to take root, so be patient with yourself.
5. Pace yourself.  Don’t try to break too many habits at once.  For example, if you want to change your eating habits and your exercise regime, you’re more likely to succeed if you break the most negative one first.  Then tackle the next one as you gain confidence and momentum.
6. Forgive yourself if you lapse.  Replacing old habits with new ones doesn’t require perfection.  You can afford an occasional slip, as long as you are committed to returning to the new behavior.  A lapse is not a relapse.  Relapse is giving up.  Lapse is learning and moving forward.

So stop being a creature of habit.  Instead, become a creature of choice.  Choose to replace those negative behaviors that put you on a downward spiral with actions that are uplifting and fulfilling.

One of the pioneers of healing these types of negative emotions is Albert Ellis, who argued they arise from unexamined, irrational thoughts.  The key error in our thinking is absolutism.  An example is your anxiety that arises from believing that it would be absolutely terrible – instead of just bad – if things didn’t go your way.  Other examples are the irrational beliefs that we must do well or that others must treat us well.

Here are two fundamental lessons from Albert Ellis on how to conquer these muddy negative emotions:

1. Visualize the worst-case scenario.  Why is this important?  Because without some kind of defined scene, you are left with an infinite sense of horror.  So, go ahead, imagine how badly things could go.  This type of visualization with help you define and manage your negative emotions.
2. Dispute your beliefs.  Intercept your irrational thinking and ask if your beliefs are really true.  Would it really be unimaginably horrifying if you asked someone out and got rejected?  Keep asking questions, and remember  — you are attacking the belief, not yourself.

The next time you are being pulled under by your muddy, negative emotions, try one of these strategies.  And if you want to learn more about Albert Ellis and his approach, check this out.  (Click here.)

Are you quick to take the blame and feel guilty, even when a situation is beyond your control?  Do you believe everything is your fault?  If so, you are in danger of living on a downward spiral of toxic guilt.  How can you get some perspective so you can turn that downward spiral into an upward one?

First, it’s important to understand the difference between healthy guilt and toxic guilt.  According to Windy Dryden, author of Overcoming Guilt, unhealthy guilt stems from rigid philosophies towards yourself and your behavior.  On the other hand, healthy guilt is more like “constructive remorse,” which stems from a compassionate attitude.

Let’s first examine the good guilt.  Guilt is positive and constructive when it allows you to get your values and behaviors into perspective.  A healthy sense of guilt helps you cooperate with others and atone when you feel you’ve done something wrong. Without healthy guilt, we would all be potential psychopaths.

The key to healthy guilt is the ability to contain it, transform, and move on.  However, it’s easy to let guilt spiral out of control, and this is the hallmark of toxic guilt.  Behind the feelings of toxic guilt is often a sense that you are all-powerful, the fantasy that you have the power to change things that are outside of your control zone.  What happens when you get on a downward spiral due to toxic guilt?  You are now in a lose-lose psychological game.  For example, if you are experiencing toxic guilt, you have two options.  Try to be perfect to make up for you perceived failure, which is an impossible task.  Or, experience some sort of self-inflicted displeasure, thereby paying for the crime you imagine you committed.  Either way, you lose.

What can you do to get off the toxic guilt merry-go-round?  Here are three suggestions.

1. Move from the damaging and paralyzing thought patterns of unhealthy guilt to new patterns by accepting responsibility for what you have done wrong, taking note of the lesson you learned from this experience, and repairing what you can.
2. Become aware of thoughts that contain ought and should. These types of words are indicators that your expectations may be unrealistic, you may feel the need to control what is beyond your control, or you are trying to be perfect.  Recognize that this type of thinking is rooted in toxic guilt, not healthy guilt.
3. Don’t let your guilt fester.  Talking to a neutral person can help you get perspective on whether you are dealing with healthy or toxic guilt.  The following is a formula that can help you structure your thoughts: “When I see…I feel…because…and I wish that….”

So, learn to tell the difference between good and toxic guilt.  Embrace your healthy guilt, knowing it is there to give you a signal when you have strayed outside your value system and a nudge to correct course.  Let go of toxic guilt, recognizing it does nothing more than pull you down and keep you locked in lose-lose positions.

And remember to forgive yourself for your transgressions.  After all, you are only human.

According to Rob Yeung, author of I is for Influence: The New Science of Persuasion, simply telling people what they should do is an almost guaranteed way to get them to refuse to do it.  If you plead with your partner, for example, to take out the garbage, you’ll probably find your request falling on deaf ears.  Offering someone rewards may also fail.  Why?  Because the reward may enhance motivation in the short term, but when it is removed, the person no longer wants to do the task.  So what is the best way to influence someone?  It’s better to focus on the intrinsic nature of the work, such as the satisfaction they will get from doing it.

What is the most important factor in effectively exerting influence?

Body language is probably one of the biggest factors in influencing people.   Do you spend time polishing what you’re going to say, but forget about your body language?  If so, shift your focus.  One study found that about 80% of the impact business people giving presentations had was nothing to do with the words they chose.  Rather, their greatest influence came from how they held themselves, their gestures and tone of voice.

What are some other key strategies in the art of persuasion?

To make a huge request, start by making a very small one.  This is called “the escalating enquiry,” and is the principle behind many mail-order firms.  Here’s how it works.  The mail order firm asks you to spend just $10.00 or place one order.  Once you’ve made it, it’s like they’ve shattered a psychological barrier and accepting a bigger request doesn’t seem that much of a big deal.  In everyday life, if you ask someone for five minutes of their time, they’re much more likely to agree than if you ask for 45 minutes.  Another strategy is to ask someone to imagine they’re doing something.  For example, if you state, “Imagine yourself getting the clothes from the dryer and folding them,” they’re more likely to do it than if you just asked.

Influence is a learned skill.  When you master the strategies of effective influencers, you tap into your ability to create the outcomes you desire.  Master influencers also know, however, that they are not in their control zone.  You can never make another person do, say or feel something.  It is always the other person’s choice.  Try these strategies because they work – not always but often.  And when they don’t, recognize that you gave it your best shot and move on to Plan B.  That’s POWER Optimism in action.

Source: Psychologies Magazine, October 2011, p. 34.